You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
