She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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