I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
