in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Randomize
