It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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