Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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