i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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