angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
