Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
