yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
