Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
