Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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