I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize