Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
