He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
