Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
