Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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