highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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