weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize