Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
