she woke up with a sticky ear
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
