I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
