I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
