had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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