nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How external is "for external use only"?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
