Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
