I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
