my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
