I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
