Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
