Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
