Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
