guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
