I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
