1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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