don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
