He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
