i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
