just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
