New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
