Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
