I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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