OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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