She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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