I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
