Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
