my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
