I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
