Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
