Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
