What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
