The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm passing your future prison.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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