420 ftw
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
