i can't believe i had my finger in that
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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