I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
