Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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