Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
